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Mayor Knox White Declares Alameda Automobile Free by 2014

City of Alameda Mayor John Knox White declared the City of Alameda automobile-free as of April 1, 2014. In an interview, Mayor White said “There’s no reason for anyone in Alameda to use an automobile.  With bus service every 5 to 10 minutes, and free bicycles for everyone, Alameda is finally a high-density utopia.” White went on to say that agreements negotiated with Mayor Perata of Oakland provide parking on the Oakland side of Alameda’s bridges and tubes for any Luddite visitors still driving automobiles and not cycling from, say, Sacramento.

Vice Mayor Michael Krueger shared Mayor White’s rabid frothing-at-the-mouth enthusiasm “We’ll have goose-stepping guards dressed in absolutely smashing – smashing! – brownshirts patrolling every entrance to Alameda, to ensure that only the Van Hool buses and bicycles, but no automobiles get in.” Krueger went on, lifting his pantleg barely a hair to display new cycling shoes and cleats – “And we’ve converted every vehicular left-turn lane at Alameda’s intersections to bicycle left-turn lanes, so cyclists can avoid the dismount-and-mount rigamoral that’s so inconvenient. Especially for those wearing SPD clips. Besides, those that cycle for their health don’t need the added burden of having to come to a stop and then pedal-up again. They should be able to coast through left-turns with their arm extended, signaling their intention.”

In accordance with the conversion of the vehicular left-turn lanes into bicycle left-turn lanes, all buses allowed into Alameda will be permitted to make only right-hand turns, causing no end of consternation to AC Transit planners. Vice Mayor Krueger ended the interview abruptly, as he was about to jet off to Paris, enroute to the Van Hool factory in Koningshooikt, Belgium.

Mayor White went on to say that guards with will be armed with semi-automatic weapons and spike-strips – designed to burst an automobile’s tires and slow it down – to respond to any family-of-four vehicular assaults against the bridge and tube barriers.

In a related announcement, Mayor White also re-named the City of Alameda Transportation Commission the “City of Alameda Bike, Bus and Birkenstock Board,” effective immediately.

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